i used to be you

from rad and sad by notfondofanyone

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twenty-fucking-six

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July 26th, the day when my life turned upside down and I guess I’m grateful for it now but I’d be lying if I said that it still didn’t sting and that it took every inch of me not to grab a knife and cause myself to bleed. And Ill always remember sitting on my deck and pleading with god for a reason to carry on. for a reason to believe that life was worth it and MY GOD IS LIFE FUCKING WORTH IT. ITS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AND TRAGIC AND SOMETIMES I DONT THINK I CAN EVEN HANDLE IT BUT I DO BECAUSE ITS SO BEAUTIFUL AND I TRY MY HARDEST TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS THAT SEEM AS IF THEY CANNOT BE UNDERSTOOD. BUT I don’t think I’ll ever understand why we hurt the one’s we love. Most of the time it’s on purpose as well because lovers know eachother like a writer knows their own book. Now, I am anything but a writer but I know what makes her tick like a clock and sing like a crying child. And I’d be lying if I said I had never used that to my advantage. But I can think about the green tint in her eyes and the thousands of lies and to when I saw her for the last time, November 26th. We sat across a table and I forgave her. I FORGAVE HER. And I contemplated whether anything is better left unsaid but I said it anyway because I had to know. I HAVE TO KNOW. KNOWING IS EVERYTHING. and so now I know. She loves me but on December 26th, she greeted her lover in an airport and I’m not bitter about it but I am bitter about how she’s now standing in her house where I have stood. She’s sitting on her bed where I once sat. She’s watching her undress and smirking like I used to do. I want to grab her by the shoulders and scream I USED TO BE YOU. I wonder if she’s having any trouble sleeping like she used to.

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from rad and sad, released May 29, 2014

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notfondofanyone Washington, D.C.

rad and no longer sad

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